My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
