so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if youāve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him āBeast Modeā. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
