I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
