So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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