cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
