im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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