I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
