How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
