Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
