someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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