Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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