I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
