I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
