He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
