you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
