Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
