I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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