Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
