I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
