U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I have fence marks all over my body
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
