so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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