That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
