Just fell off a train. Bad.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
