He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
