Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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