i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's shark week go big or go home
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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