12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
