At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
