Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
