i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
