drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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