After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
