I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
