Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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