i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
