is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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