Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
