I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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