Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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