Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
