i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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