Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
