i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
