If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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