Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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