I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
