I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
