I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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