Non-Jews are for practice
We got so high we made milksteak
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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