So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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