His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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