I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
