he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
