there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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