and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
