the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize